Is It Normal to Hate Being a Parent and Love Being A Mom?
There are days when you wake up and you are already at your limit at 7am! Tired of the noise, the mess, the endless demands. You find yourself counting down the minutes until nap time and bedtime. This is not because you do not love your child, but because the work of being a parent is exhausting and never ending. The constant decisions, the emotional labor, the invisible to-do list, the never-ending needs, it just never stops and you are tired.
You catch yourself thinking, I hate this! I hate being a parent! Then, almost instantly, the guilt and shame rush in. Good moms are not supposed to think that way, right? WRONG!
The truth is, hating the act of parenting; the grind, the monotony, the burnout, is more common than anyone wants to admit. Wanting a break from the endless struggle does not make you a bad mother. It makes you a human who has been pushed to the limits.
Many mothers experience this exact split. It is normal! You are not alone. So… what is the difference between being a “mom” and being a “parent,”? Come explore with me why that distinction matters, how these conflicting feelings can coexist, what you can do to care for yourself through it all, and working through the shame of hating being a parent.
The Difference Between Being a Mom and Being a Parent
Being a mom and being a parent are not the same thing.
Being a mom is your relationship. Your deep connection with your child, the emotional and often spiritual rewards that come from nurturing and loving another human being. It is the snuggles during story time, the way your heart swells when they say "I love you," the moments of eye contact that feel like magic, the pride when they reach a milestone or do something kind to a friend, and the bond that feels sacred and unbreakable. It is the fierce love, the tenderness, the protectiveness, and the joy of witnessing a tiny person become themselves.
Being a parent, is your role. The day-to-day grind that comes with raising a child. It is the sleep deprivation, the constant barrage of questions, the endless snacks and meal preparation. It is the being tied to planning and scheduling and that loss of freedom, the emotional labor of managing everyone's feelings, the constant vigilance, the managing of tantrums, the cleaning up of messes, the negotiation of screen time, the coordination of doctor’s appointments, and the ongoing, often invisible effort required to keep a family functioning. Not to mention the constant touching, scratching, wiggling, nursing, tugging at clothes… that all lead to being touched out and a loss of interest in physical connection with your partner. The lack of time and energy to connect with your partner, the increase in fighting and decrease in relationship satisfaction.
It is the mental load, the multitasking, and the emotional exhaustion that rarely gets acknowledged. It is all the work behind the scenes that demands your time, energy, and attention every single day. Not to mention, being expected to do the role of parenting full time while having a job outside of the home. The expectation that we should not complain about parenting because "you wanted this," or "you will miss this when they are older." or “you are lucky you get to stay home with them and spend so much time with them.” The expectation that we do everything with a smile.
When we can make this distinction, we can be validated in the struggle without that being confused with how much we love our children. It means you are not failing because you find the job exhausting. It means you are engaging in one of the hardest, most emotionally complex roles that exist. It means you are responding like any other human being would when faced with chronic exhaustion, high expectations, and very little validation. When you separate the emotional joy of mothering from the labor of parenting, you create space to be honest with yourself. You give yourself permission to say, “This is hard,” without it meaning, “I don’t love my child.” It means you are a full, feeling person trying to navigate something both beautiful and brutally demanding.
Being a parent is the hardest thing, and the most important thing most people do in their lives and it does not come with a training manual.
Why Using this Language Matters
When we become a mother, we are sometimes unaware of the life changing role and responsibility we are taking on. When we can call that unexpected and heavy load something other than mother, we can look at the complexity of being a mother with a lot less judgement. When we are overwhelmed, frustrated, touched out, annoyed, we can call that being a parent and it not take away any feelings we have towards our children. Moms think, (and often hear from others)“If I don’t love parenting, does that mean I don’t love my child?” The answer is no. It is completely normal to find the logistics and demands of parenting grueling and still feel immense love for your child.
How can this be true? How can you feel two opposing things at the same time?
This is where DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) comes in. The concept of dialectical thinking which means two seemingly opposite emotions can both be true at the same time. You can love your child and love being their mom and hate the day-to-day tasks of being a parent. This "both/and" mindset rather than “but” allows us to look at the gray rather than getting stuck in the black-and-white. It allows us to hold our full emotional experience, the good and the bad, without shame or guilt.
When we understand that these complex emotions are not in conflict but part of a bigger picture, we give ourselves permission to feel, to grieve what is hard and unexpected, and to celebrate what is beautiful, all at the same time without taking away from any of it.
How These Conflicting Feelings Can Coexist
You might wake up with smiles and cuddles, and by 8am, you are fantasizing about a solo vacation. That does not make you a bad mother! It makes you person who does not like getting sneezed on, whipping butts or being told that the breakfast you made for them is disgusting.
If you feel this way, you are in the majority when it comes to how moms feel, especially in the first two years of your child’s life. You are adjusting to a massive identity shift, often with little support and a lot of pressure to “enjoy every moment” and… not every moment is enjoyable and that is okay.
Feeling love and frustration does not cancel either emotion out. You can cherish your child and feel completely overwhelmed. You can be touched out, overstimulated, and deeply in love with your baby all at the same time. Your emotions do not need to make sense to anyone else. They are valid simply because you are feeling them.
So, How Do I Practice Feeling Both Feelings at Once?
1. Name the Experience Give yourself the language to describe what you're feeling: “I love being a mom, and I am struggling with the grind of parenting.” Naming it helps reduce shame and creates a foundation for change.
2. Talk About It Moms often suffer in silence, assuming they are the only ones feeling this way or will get judged for their thoughts and emotions. You are not alone. Join support groups, talk to trusted friends and family, or work with a therapist who specializes in motherhood and postpartum transitions.
3. Reframe the Narrative You do not have to enjoy every moment to be a good parent. Focus on connection over perfection. You do not need to love the mess to love your kid.
4. Understand Shame Brené Brown’s research around shame says that shame thrives in silence, secrecy, and judgment. When we feel like we are failing at parenting, we often isolate ourselves in shame. But when we talk about these feelings, when we say out loud, “Parenting is so hard, and I’m struggling”, we break shame’s grip. Vulnerability is not weakness, it is the path to support and healing.
5. Create More “Mom” Moments Create spaces in and out of the house where you do not have to take on the parenting role. Get outside! Run around! Go to a playground where you can play with them and not have to tell them 5 million times to stop touching something. Focus on places that are made for kids so that they are safe in the environment and you can just enjoy playing with them and being their mom.
Can’t get out? Look for ways to nurture connection and joy. Even small rituals like a morning cuddle or book, dancing in the kitchen, eating a snack together… can bring moments of peace and presence. Intentionally create moments that are reminders of what you do love. When we can have more mom moments, it make the hard parts easier to move through.
6. Evaluate What Can Change Are there parts of parenting that can be shared, outsourced, or dropped altogether? You do not have to carry the whole load alone. Ask for help. Let the laundry sit. Order dinner. Reclaim time and space wherever you can.
You Are Not Alone!
It is normal to feel conflicted about parenting. You can love being a mom and simultaneously hate the work of parenting. That truth does not make you any less devoted, loving, or worthy.
It does not mean something is wrong with you. It means something is wrong with the unrealistic expectations we place on mothers.
Give yourself the grace to feel it all, to ask for what you need, and to remind yourself: you are doing a beautiful, impossible, messy, miraculous job. You are allowed to hold all the feelings that come with it.
Hi, I am Kristina Anzell!
I am a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Pediatric Sleep Consultant. I work with moms and couples in the postpartum phase of life to help them move through anxiety, depression, sleep issues for you and baby, relationship struggles and more. You deserve the support you need! Please reach out if you have any questions, need resources or want to start therapy sessions with me.