Is It Normal to be Annoyed With My Partner Postpartum?
You love your partner, you really do and lately, every little thing they do makes you want to scream. The way they breathe is too loud, the way they chew their food irks you, the slap on the butt or the brushing up against your back, the way they ask, "What’s for dinner?" while you are actively trying to get the baby to settle. Sometimes, it just feels unbearable. You wonder, “What happened to my relationship?”
If you are feeling this way postpartum, you are not alone. Many new moms experience increased irritation and resentment toward their partners after having a baby. It is a massive life transition that brings hormonal shifts, sleep deprivation, a lot more touch throughout the day, and an overwhelming mental load.
Does this mean my relationship is doomed?
Not at all. Let’s unpack why you are getting annoyed with your partner and what you can do about it. Let’s pull from the Gottman Method, a research-backed approach to strengthening relationships postpartum.
Why Does My Partner Suddenly Annoy Me So Much?
Bringing a baby into the world is life-changing, so why is it the expectation that nothing in the dynamics of our relationship shift. You are literally tying to do the hardest thing you both have ever done, and with no training. Place on top of that societies expectations that the caregiving tasks fall on the mom and you get a mom who is annoyed and resentful of their partner. Several factors contribute to the increased frustration many moms feel toward their partners postpartum:
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After birth, estrogen and progesterone levels drop significantly, which can impact mood, patience, and overall emotional regulation. This hormonal rollercoaster can make you feel more sensitive to irritations that you might have brushed off before.
You also have higher levels of oxytocin, the bonding hormone, flooding your system when you are caring for your baby.
Sometimes making it harder to feel connected to your partner in the same way you once did.
The shifting hormones can make your emotional responses feel unpredictable, which may make even minor annoyances seem magnified.
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Lack of sleep makes everything feel harder. When you are running on fumes. Sleep is a huge factor in emotion regulation and without sleep, even minor annoyances, like the way your partner loads the dishwasher "wrong", can feel like a huge relationship issue.
Sleep deprivation reduces our ability to regulate the intensity of the emotions, lowers our ability to tolerate distress, making it easier to snap at those closest to us. It also affects cognitive function, making it harder to see situations objectively.
This means that misunderstandings, forgetfulness, or even simple mistakes your partner makes may feel much bigger and more frustrating than they would have if you were not postpartum.Plus, if your partner seems to be getting more sleep than you, resentment can quickly build.
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Before children, you got touch when you wanted touch, you got space when you needed space.
Before kids, when you were stressed you came home and relaxed or went and had some time with friends to unwind.
Before kids, your time was your own.
After kids… that all changed. For the most part, your stressors did not go away when you became a mom, but the time and space you had to process and recover from those stressors did change.
When we are in this transition and learning phase of being a mom, we might not yet have the skills developed to take care of ourselves in new ways.
It is no wonder why so many parents are overwhelmed and touched out! -
Not only are we overwhelmed because of our own stressors and lack of self-care, but we also tend to take on the majority of the mental load of children and household responsibilities.
We are exhausted and still packing lunches for the next day or cleaning the bathroom. You look over and your partner has been watching T.V. and having an after dinner snack for the last hour.That is when the resentment builds.
You feel like you are doing everything while your partner gets to “help”, or is able to take the time for themselves because they know you got it covered.
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Before the baby, you had more autonomy over your time, body, and emotions.
You feel like you have lost your identity in the role of mother. You look over at your partner and think, “his like has not even changed all that much.”
While you might feel like you have completely transformed and now have to find new ways to take care of yourself, your partner may still be engaging in hobbies, work, or social activities with relative ease, which can create this feeling of unfairness.
This difference can be extremely irritating, making small annoyances, or even small asks of self-care from your partner feel like larger betrayals.
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In the first few years of becoming a mother, your brain has so many changes that it looks similar to the changes it made when you transitioned into adulthood. Just like adolescence, you are moving through matrecence.
Before matrecence, you might have known who you were.
Now, you tend to move through the world differently. You might notice your values, and priorities starting to shift. You find yourself having different boundaries with your body, time and emotions. You want to spend the time you do have in different ways.
Fathers, they do not have the same brain changes. When you are growing, changing, discovering this new you, and your partner is not on the same journey as you, it can lead to a lot of tension and misunderstanding. -
With all the focus on the baby, 66% of couples experience a decrease relationship satisfaction. There is a decrease in the amount of quality time, physical connection, and emotional intimacy.
It feels like there is no time to have fun together and your conversations tend to all be baby related or about the schedule.Without intentional effort to have fun together, your partner can start to feel more like a coworker than an intimate partner on this journey with you.
Is This Normal, or Is It a Bigger Issue?
Feeling irritated with your partner postpartum is common, but how do you know if it is part of the adjustment period or something more serious?
Signs It is the Phase of life:
You still feel love and appreciation for your partner, even if they drive you crazy at times.
The frustration ebbs and flows rather than feeling constant.
Small moments of connection help diffuse tension.
Signs It May Be a Bigger Issue:
You feel consistently resentful or emotionally disconnected.
You notice The Four Horseman in your relationship:
Criticism: Instead of saying, “I need more help,” you say, “You never do anything right!”
Defensiveness: Your partner responds to complaints with excuses instead of solutions.
Contempt: Eye-rolling, sarcasm, or belittling behavior.
Stonewalling: One or both of you shut down and avoid conversations, walk away mid argument or just stop talking.
You constantly think negatively about your partner and do not think he brings anything to the table.
You frequently fantasize about being alone or leaving the relationship.
If these signs are speaking to you, it does not mean your relationship is over. It just means there are important issues to address. Getting support with these issues sooner rather than later can improve the probability of success in your relationship. Small changes now can prevent bigger issues down the road.
What Can I Do About It?
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Because we have so many brain shift that help us in our steep learning curve to becoming parents, we just expect our partner to know because we know.
The unfortunate reality is that they are not going through the same changes as us and many times they really just do not know.
So, what can we do?
Push past the emotions and ask for your needs to be met! When they are not being met, communicate clearly that what you do need from them.
97% of the time, the outcome of a fight can be predicted by the first 3 minutes of the conversation. So, use this knowledge as power!
If you are going to start a conversation with your partner, be sure to use the Gottman skill, softened start-up.Gottman’s Soft Start-Up Approach: Use "I" statements to ask for your needs to be met more effectively.
The unhelpful way of starting a conversation.
“You never help me with the baby!”The more helpful way to start a conversation
“I am feeling overwhelmed and really need you to handle bedtime tonight.”
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We do not have a lot of time nor energy when we are new moms. Finding the extra energy and motivation to connect with your partner can be really difficult.
Instead of trying to connect like you used to before kids, find new, meaningful but short and low energy ways to connect.
Ideas:- Keep things alive by having a meaningful goodbye and hello when you leave each other for the day and greet each other at the end of the day.
- Give each other a 20 second hug when things get stressful
- Have a weekly date where the definition is just intentional time together to connect, not going out somewhere. Look here for some lazy date night ideas!- Turn towards your partners attempts to connect and help mold his attempts if they currently feel off-putting or poorly timed.
- Take time out to have a weekly relationship meeting to discuss what went well and what did not go so well that week. This helps you pause and reflect on your grievances rather than saying every little thing in the moment.
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Give yourself and your partner grace as you navigate this new phase together.
You are not functioning at your best right now and neither is your partner.
Try taking things off of your plate and setting your goals for the day really low. Whatever you are thinking about right now… make the goal lower. I am talking about like the goal being step outside of this house today low.
If that is the goal, it is fine if your partner has not washed the dishes like you had asked.
(Pro tip: switch to paper plates during this phase of life if neither of you like to do dishes!) -
If it feels like you need to insist some help to get yourself and your relationship back on track. seek support!! You would go to the Dr if your ankle was stained, so why not go to couples therapy when your relationship is strained?
The sooner you get the support you need, the less hurt and pain you will have to work through in therapy!
This Phase Won’t Last Forever
With intentional effort, empathy, and support, you can move through this phase together and come out stronger on the other side. This chapter of your relationship, marked by sleepless nights, shifting roles, and emotional highs and lows, is just that: a chapter, not the whole story.
The key is recognizing that postpartum challenges do not define your relationship; it is how you respond to the challenges. By prioritizing open communication, small moments of connection, and a shared commitment to adapting together, you can create a foundation that not only makes it through this transition, but strengthens your bond.
Remember, frustration and exhaustion may feel overwhelming now, and they are not permanent states. As you and your partner adjust, find your rhythm, and continue to support one another, you will rediscover the love and teamwork that brought you together in the first place.
Hi, I am Kristina Anzell
I am a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Pediatric Sleep Consultant. I work with moms and couples in the postpartum phase of life to help them move through anxiety, depression, sleep issues for you and baby, relationship struggles and more. You deserve the support you need! Please reach out if you have any questions, need resources or want to start therapy sessions with me.